How You React

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.-Charles R. Swindoll

The power of our brain is incredible.  We can take many situations that get thrown at us and change the way that they impact us by just adjusting the way that we see them and, in turn, how we react to them.  A friend recently experienced a breakup with her significant other, someone that she thought could be “the one”.  For three weeks, she wallowed in her misery. Plans with friends went out the window in exchange for a pint of Haagen-Dazs and a movie that merited at least two boxes of Kleenex.  She was unfocused at work and barely took the time to brush her hair (forget about her previous meticulous make-up regimen). Finally, she came to me looking for a shoulder to cry on. Instead, I threw her in a shower, laid out her clothes and makeup and dragged her out for coffee. Over our overpriced Starbucks, we talked about how we could change this experience into a positive one. What did she learn about herself through the course of her relationship? How did she grow? What did she learn about her priorities, needs, strengths, and challenges? And most importantly, how could she incorporate that knowledge and growth into her life moving forward? Once she was able to shift her focus from what she lost to what she gained, she was able to take some of her power back. SHE had control over how she now moved forward. She was no longer a victim but someone who had the power to create her future.

Now, not all situations are resolved over a Venti Frappuccino (with whipped cream, of course), but trying to modify the way we react to a situation and using our challenges to create positive change can empower us in our daily life. Talking it out with a friend or a therapist is a great way to put things into perspective, helping us to make a “molehill” out of our “mountain”.

Cindy Haynes LCSW-R

Spring Is Upon Us

Spring is upon us and many are consumed with cleaning out their homes, gardens, sorting through their belongings, discarding unused items, planning summer vacations, registering for camp, etc.  So how about doing some spring cleaning for your emotional baggage?

Perhaps the most common theme heard in individuals presenting for services is the desire for change on some level – in themselves, their spouses, their children, and/or their families. They have become overwhelmed by certain occurrences and need assistance toresolve these issues to restore stability back into their lives. So what better time than now to get it done; out with the old maladaptive ways, in with  new healthier ones.  From my experience, the only way to achieve wanted change is by doing something different – “if you always do what you always did – you’ll always get what you always got” – author unknown. Understanding this is one thing, doing it is another.  Why is this task so difficult to achieve? First, you need toask yourself – just as the seasons change, how do you deal with change large or small? Do you see change as something to embrace or run from, a challenge or fear? What are you afraid of?

Hesitation often stems from the very notion of change. It often involves some heavy stuff -  letting go of anger, assumptions, blame, allowing for forgiveness, second chances,  acceptance, finding a different way to express oneself,  and perhaps the most difficult aspect - looking at our own contributing behaviors that maintain certain problems.  For many, this means being willing to go outside of one’s comfort zone to look for the answers and be creative. Too much work? Why bother?  The answer lies in the idea that one of the  only constants in life is change and one needs to be well versed in this arena to be able to function effectively throughout life whether it be at work or in our relationships. Along with this idea, is the basic systemic tenet that if  you change even on a very small level, you will inevitably  see others change in reaction to your change.
Here are some examples:

Give it a try – "you have nothing to lose" - except for some useless, unproductive patterns "and everything to gain" -  a healthier, cleaner you.

When at work – instead of complaining about an ineffective system, suggest ways for improvement.
When at home with your partner – instead of responding with anger,  express your feelings - did I hear you correctly?
When at home with your child/children -  instead of yelling, speak calmly.

Teresa A Milano, LMFT

Are you making a New Year's Resolution?

Many of us start the New Year having a New Year’s Resolution. Unfortunately, many of us are unable to keep it up.  My advice is to try to make a change of any kind, big or small.  As long as we make a small change it gives us the motivation to continue to strive to reach our goal. While it is important to be ambitious when we set goals for ourselves, we need to set realistic expectations regarding how and when we reach those goals. If we are unable to find the right balance between ambitious goals and realistic expectations, we can end up feeling despondent, which can hamper our motivation.  

Only 8% of people who make resolutions end up actually keeping them!  Try to be within that percentage of people who keep their resolutions by setting practical expectations about how to attain each goal.  Also, remember that if your goal includes changing an old habit, it will take longer to achieve your goal because you are undoing a habit while simultaneously trying to start a new one.  It takes 3 weeks to start a habit but undoing one takes longer.

If you do decide to set a New Year’s Resolution goal, it may be helpful to try to remember that changing a habit is difficult so forgive yourself if you are unable to meet your expectations right away so that negative emotions such as guilt and disappointment don’t get in the way and hamper your motivation to be one of the people in the 8% of those who achieve their goals!