Making Time For More Moments

People always seem to complain about how time goes by too quickly and how much little time they have to accomplish various tasks, whether it be at home or work.  They get caught up with  meetings, deadlines, holiday/party preparations, keeping up with others, extracurriculars, and household chores. Usually, they somehow find a way to make the necessary adjustments and compromises   so their lives can run smoothly.   However, in doing so, they often lose sight of something beyond these often superficial, self-focused needs –  the importance of family time.

Often clients present for treatment with feelings of disconnection from their partner or children and one proposed solution is arranging for one night a week for all to have dinner together as a family or engage in some family activity.  However, I often wonder what about the other six days of the week?  When did this quality time become so easily overlooked and undervalued?  Think about it – do you know your child’s favorite subject in school?  What about the name of their best friend or your spouse's/partner's pet peeves at work?  Contributing to this issue is the influence of social media.  Despite technology’s various valuable advancements, what often gets lost is the simple art of communication and expression of oneself with others.  This is something that is first learned by our interaction with our  primary socializers – our family.  Conflict often presents itself in therapy when one cannot socially assimilate to his/her surroundings which causes difficulty in functioning.

So let’s start trying to make more moments today by actively engaging with family members whether it’s asking about someone’s day, sharing a meal, going for a walk, watching television or planning an activity together.  This way, there are no missed opportunities and no regrets.

“We do not remember days . . . we remember moments “ Cesare Pavese

written by Teresa Milano LMFT

It's Never Too Late

It’s never too late to change your ways;
You can always start anew
Discard those habits you’re tired of
And fashion a whole new “you.”
Don’t consider the past a waste of time,
Just learn from your mistakes.
But if you want to forge ahead,
A change is what it takes.
So start right now and set new goals;
Decide what you want to do.
Be patient and take one step at a time,
But be sure to see each through
For as each step is finished
And you add it to the next,
You soon will see that you have built
A stairway to success.
Frances Gregory Pasch

Spring Is Upon Us

Spring is upon us and many are consumed with cleaning out their homes, gardens, sorting through their belongings, discarding unused items, planning summer vacations, registering for camp, etc.  So how about doing some spring cleaning for your emotional baggage?

Perhaps the most common theme heard in individuals presenting for services is the desire for change on some level – in themselves, their spouses, their children, and/or their families. They have become overwhelmed by certain occurrences and need assistance toresolve these issues to restore stability back into their lives. So what better time than now to get it done; out with the old maladaptive ways, in with  new healthier ones.  From my experience, the only way to achieve wanted change is by doing something different – “if you always do what you always did – you’ll always get what you always got” – author unknown. Understanding this is one thing, doing it is another.  Why is this task so difficult to achieve? First, you need toask yourself – just as the seasons change, how do you deal with change large or small? Do you see change as something to embrace or run from, a challenge or fear? What are you afraid of?

Hesitation often stems from the very notion of change. It often involves some heavy stuff -  letting go of anger, assumptions, blame, allowing for forgiveness, second chances,  acceptance, finding a different way to express oneself,  and perhaps the most difficult aspect - looking at our own contributing behaviors that maintain certain problems.  For many, this means being willing to go outside of one’s comfort zone to look for the answers and be creative. Too much work? Why bother?  The answer lies in the idea that one of the  only constants in life is change and one needs to be well versed in this arena to be able to function effectively throughout life whether it be at work or in our relationships. Along with this idea, is the basic systemic tenet that if  you change even on a very small level, you will inevitably  see others change in reaction to your change.
Here are some examples:

Give it a try – "you have nothing to lose" - except for some useless, unproductive patterns "and everything to gain" -  a healthier, cleaner you.

When at work – instead of complaining about an ineffective system, suggest ways for improvement.
When at home with your partner – instead of responding with anger,  express your feelings - did I hear you correctly?
When at home with your child/children -  instead of yelling, speak calmly.

Teresa A Milano, LMFT